Friday, July 25, 2008

Pure Genius

I know that God gave Solomon the gift of wisdom, but sometimes I think He must’ve had a little left over that He threw my way. I don't think it would be boasting to call myself a genius. I mean, who would know that better than me, right? But sometimes my genius is so intense it scares me. Like today for instance. Let me explain.

I was visiting a local business and heard them talking about what to do with their old “display” cell phones. They had a whole basket of them, and since they were just going to go in the trash anyway, I asked if I could have one. I picked out a really cool looking silver flip-phone; it has that “faux-executive” look.

A display phone looks & feels just like the real thing, the only difference - and I do mean the only difference - is that it doesn’t actually work. That may sound like it would defeat the whole purpose of having a cell phone, but I beg to differ. Having a cell phone that doesn’t actually work is actually better than one that does, for a whole host of reasons.

Don’t believe me? Think your “real” phone is better than mine? Let’s compare, shall we?

Just like you, I can use my phone to get out of meetings or annoying face-to-face conversations. I just pretend I feel it vibrating in my back pocket, and the next thing you know I’m walking away to answer “that important call that just can’t wait”. Scott free & no hurt feelings.

Just like you I can look cool driving down the road with my phone to my ear, but with the added advantage of not getting distracted by having to actually concentrate on having a conversation.

And just like you I can pretend to take pictures of suspicious people for the Department of Homeland Security.

But it doesn’t stop there. Oh, no. Here’s just a few of the other features of my non-functional phone. Read ‘em and weep, baby. Read ‘em and weep:

* No long-term contracts; just pay $0 for the first 6 months, and No Charge thereafter. Cancel anytime. No penalty.

* Unlimited minutes.

* Water-proof. In fact, it’s completely submersible with no loss of functionality. Guaranteed.

* Batteries never need charging.

* So easy to use it doesn’t even come with a manual.

* No harmful microwave radiation to my head.

* No dropped calls.

* “5-bar” service everywhere. I can even pretend to take a call while diving at a depth of 60 feet somewhere off the Florida Keys.

* Only “works” when I need it to. No annoying interruptions to my day (unless I want one).

* No roaming charges, FCC fees, or interstate surcharges.

* Built-in GPS; if I have it in my hand, I know that’s exactly where I’m at.

* Nobody gets upset if I don’t answer their calls.

* Won’t interfere with airplane navigation systems.

* Completely impervious to any illegal NSA wiretapping attempts.

* And as if that’s not enough, I NEVER have to actually listen to someone’s inane blathering in my ear.

Shocking, isn't it? I guess it's all how you look at things, of course, but the way I see it, I just can't think of a single benefit of a working cell phone that outweighs the benefits of a non-working one. In fact, I am so happy with my non-functional phone that I picked up some extras for Catherine and the kids.

We’re all on the same plan.

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