Monday, October 12, 2009

Female Word Meanings

I don’t think Catherine attended the same type of schools that I did because she doesn’t seem to understand the meanings of normal everyday words. I’m also aware that she isn’t the only woman who doesn’t seem to have a good grasp of the basic concepts of the English language; it’s an affliction that apparently affects wives everywhere.

When I was in school, I paid attention sometimes, and that investment during my youth - added to the vast store of information that I have gleaned during my marriage - makes me somewhat of an authority on this subject.

With that in mind, and in my constant struggle to make the world a better place for all, I’ve decided to clarify a few simple words that seem to have completely a different meaning to women than those that have been officially defined by that famous bachelor Mr. Webster (and we know that he was a bachelor because if he had ever been married he might have actually defined some of these things differently and thus saved many a newly married man from countless hours of confusion and lonely nights sleeping on the couch, not to mention entire forests that have been mown down over the years to print out credit card receipts for roses).

1) nothing (n) – something of no importance

Female definition: something of great importance that is so ridiculously obvious it will not be explained to the husband even though he needs to apologize for it and make massive & immediate reparations. (In context: “What’s wrong, honey?” “Nothing.”) It should be noted that the magnitude of “nothing” will increase exponentially if the husband naively mistakes its use to actually mean “something of no importance”.

2) minute (n) – a period of time equal to 60 seconds

Female definition: any period of time required to accomplish a task that the wife wants done right now, the scope of which may range from hours to days. Usually preceded by the words “Honey, can you come here for a - ”

3) phone-call (n) - a convenient, easy way to transfer information over a distance

Female definition: a convenient, easy, and absolutely non-negotiable action required whenever a husband will miss his expected arrival by more than 5 minutes (of the type that equal 60 seconds). Not applicable to wives at all, regardless of time frame involved.

4) money (n) – coins or paper currency issued by a government as a medium of exchange

Female definition: an inexhaustible and magically appearing resource that must be exchanged for goods & services as quickly as possible in order to prevent its accumulation.

5) period (n) – an occurrence of menstruation

Female definition: a time of extreme fatigue and crankiness lasting from 5 to 31 days of any given month.

6) no (adv) – a term used to express categorical refusal

Female definition: a term used to express categorical refusal. Common synonyms: I’ve got a headache; I just washed my hair; Is that all you think about?; Your parents are sleeping in the next room; Your parents will be visiting next week; You have parents. Sometimes also used to mean “yes” - but rarely - and you’ll never realize it if it does.


Tony Dye said...

I wonder if you've also encountered "it doesn't matter?" I haven't yet found what it does mean, but I constantly find out what it doesn't mean!

Leah said...

Too funny!