Tuesday, January 15, 2008

What I Would Do If I Were President

Note from Blaine - With all of the serious stuff I've been posting lately, I felt it was time to lighten things up a bit!

It has recently come to my attention that apparently there is a presidential race going on. You would think that the media would do a better job of letting everyone know about this, but who am I to be critical? It got me thinking though, about what a great presidential candidate I would be, because, well, not to boast, but I am a genius.

Seriously, I’m just full of great ideas, and I also have a history of successful and wide ranging accomplishments. Back when I was 11 years old, for instance, me and Mike Sadusky were the only kids in our neighborhood who figured out a way to dam the flow of water in that ditch behind Mr. Turner’s house (made all the more difficult by the fact that he hated kids and would sic his dogs on us whenever he caught us on his property).

It’s well known that I am a celebrated life-coach and motivational speaker, as evidenced by the time I said “Get a job, you bum” to a homeless man who had asked me for a quarter – a homeless man that you may now know as Donald Trump.

My financial expertise for handling the economy? Well, let’s just say it’s legendary. I have – on numerous occasions – displayed the uncanny ability to quickly expend large sums of cash and then walk away completely unscathed with absolutely nothing to show for it. And, of course, as if that’s not enough already, I also choreographed and taught John Travolta the dance steps to “Saturday Night Fever.”

So, what would a man like me do as President of the United States?

First off, I would promise that during my presidential campaign, I would not spend a single dime of the millions of dollars donated to me on things like advertisements, direct mail flyers, stickers, buttons, signs, or compensation for staffers. No, it would be my commitment to the American people to use those funds only for things that would directly benefit myself. Like a nice new deck and Jacuzzi for my backyard, a membership in the Columbia Record Club, or perhaps my own private Caribbean island. That’s my promise to you America, and I’m not even president yet.

But after I am unanimously elected, what then? What could you expect from a true agent of benevolent change such as myself? Well, my friends, let’s explore the possibilities together, shall we? As president, I would:

* Abolish the Federal Reserve and establish acorns as legal tender, thereby wresting the reins of financial power from the Wall Street elite and transferring it instead to rural farmers and suburbanites. Why acorns? Because they are all-natural, very tough to forge, and, unlike the current US dollar, they have some amount of inherent value. In addition to creating a more stable economy, this plan will also assist with hardwood reforestation efforts as people scramble to plant as many oak trees as they can.

* Legalize personal cell phone jamming equipment that creates a “no signal” zone anywhere within 20 feet of the wearer, so that no one has to listen to somebody else flapping their jowls if they don’t want to. (If you have a cell phone and are offended by this, please remember: Nobody cares. You’re not special; everybody has a cell phone these days. Even kids. You’re not important and neither is the person you’re talking to. Important people don’t have cell phones anymore; they use peons like you to make their calls for them).

* Do away with the current half-hearted “faux recycling” industry and require instead that people and companies store all of the trash that they generate throughout the year inside of their homes & businesses until their annual trash pickup day. I’ll bet we’d figure out ways to “reduce, reuse, & recycle” then.

* Cancel “Grey’s Anatomy”. No special reason. Just seems like a good idea.

* Abolish the federal income tax and require the US government to plant its own oak trees. Current IRS employees will be invited to transition to the field of botany.

* Turn Long Island, NY into the lone federal penitentiary in the country and dump all convicts there to fend for themselves in much the same way as depicted in the classic motion picture “Escape from New York” starring Kurt Russell in the lead role of “Snake” Pliskin and also starring Adrienne Barbeau as somebody else in the film. Seriously, this is a good idea. Give it some thought.

* Do away with the “electoral college”. We don’t need it anymore. I’m not even real sure what it is.

* Abolish corporate sponsorship of college bowl games, football stadiums, and ballparks. If I’ve already heard of your company (Read: FedEx, Tostitos, etc.,) you don’t need to remind me of who you are; you ship things and make tortilla chips and sell etceteras. I got it already. On the flip side, if I’ve never heard of your company before, please realize that spray painting your name & logo all over a football field is NOT going to make me run out and buy anything from you, because I don’t buy things from companies that annoy me.

* Appoint my wife Catherine to be the Secretary of Defense, because she hasn’t lost a fight with me yet.

* Require the medical “establishment” to actually come up with a CURE for something instead of just the continuous barrage of “treatments” that do nothing except line the pockets of pharmaceutical & insurance companies. Failure to comply will result in moving their entire field of operations – and I’m talking about anybody even remotely involved in the field of medicine – to Manhattan.

* Make it illegal for women to touch the remote control at any time, except in those instances when it is necessary for them to pick it up off of the floor and hand it back to their husbands so that they don’t have to bend over and do it themselves.

* Mandate that NASCAR remove any and all rules regarding speed restriction devices and let’s see how fast those puppies can really go. Let ‘em strap a rocket engine on the back of the car if they want. What do I care?

Well, what do you think? That seems like a pretty busy first day to me. And I can promise you that there’s plenty more where that came from, too. I know, I know, it really makes you wonder how any of these yahoos currently in Washington ever got elected when there are minds like mine around.

Thanks for taking the time to hear me out, and you’re welcome. I agree, it is refreshing to know that there are people like me ready to man the helm of this great nation. I am nothing if not a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day.

I’ll be counting on your vote this September.

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